For me, it seems, this responsibility we’ve been given as parents only proves to become harder and harder as our children become teenagers. To be quite honest, there are some times when I wish I could trade some of these tough moments with my teenagers for the hours I spent trying to get them to eat their vegetables as toddlers, or the long afternoons of potty training, or even the sleepless nights with them as newborns. With teenagers come a greater need for wisdom and understanding, grace to navigate the deep conversations and topics with them, and a willingness to truly listen to them.
I say all this in the wake of some pretty big conversations we have had with our teenagers. As they get older, we are no longer able to dictate what they do every waking moment, how they are to express their feelings, what to think, or with whom they interact. They have thoughts and opinions of their own, and I know that mine are not afraid to discuss them with us. Recognizing that our teenagers’ thoughts and opinions will sometimes differ from our own is part of the battle I face as their mother.
There have been many things I have learned from my children these past 15 years, but none seem as important as what I have learned about my older children this past week. I’m sure if you were to ask your teenagers, they may say the same. I can be certain, as my younger children grow, they will want for me to understand these things about them, as well.
1. They want to talk about the major stuff
Sex, drugs, religion, politics – these are the topics they want to discuss. They are curious about sex and drugs. They are eager to formulate their own thoughts about religion and politics. They are researching on their own, talking about these topics with friends and peers, and developing opinions based on their findings. They want to have conversations with us, too. As parents, we can only hope and pray that they will be just as receptive to our influence. After all, they truly want to know what we think, how we feel, and why we believe what we believe.
2. They want to be heard
Just as they desire to know our thoughts, opinions, and feelings, they want us to hear theirs. They want us to really listen to them. Close the laptop, put down the phone, turn off the radio, and really and truly listen. Don’t argue with them or belittle them; no insinuating that their opinions don’t matter; but hear them out.
3. They want us to be honest with them
My kids have always asked lots of questions, but as they get older the answers to their questions become less black and white. They don’t want cookie cutter answers, or answers that may make the conversation more comfortable for you; they want real and honest answers. And, boy, is that hard!
4. They want us to set boundaries and give consequences
Kids thrive best in environments that limit their freedom. They don’t want to have to keep themselves in check and create boundaries for themselves yet, no matter what they say. If all teenagers were honest with themselves (as mine were with me), they would recognize that rules are good for them. Among others, they need to know when and how it is appropriate to make plans, when they are to be home or check in, how they are to talk to us, and how they are to treat their siblings. They also need to be given proper consequences when they get out of line.
5. They want independence and freedom
On the flip side, and in appropriate circumstances, they do desire freedom. Freedom to make their own choices. Freedom to express themselves. Freedom to grow and mature. Independence should be allowed gradually and appropriately. This is certainly not easy, but if teens are treated like children as they grow and mature, they will act like children. Begin treating them like little adults, slowly and gradually, with appropriate responsibilities, and they will begin acting like adults.
6. They want our approval and praise
It is so easy to badger and nag our teens. Harping on them when they don’t do or act as expected can only alienate them. Alternately, praising them when they have exceeded our expectations – or even just done what was expected – will drive them to do more. They desire to be appreciated just as we do. Our approval and praise will go a long way to motivate excellence.
7. They want us to respect their privacy
As their bodies and minds grow and mature, so does their desire for privacy, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes they just want to retreat and spend some time alone and they desire for us to understand that it is not personal. They also want to be able to have private conversations with each other and their friends. There are some things we are better off not knowing anyway!
8. They want us to be careful not to jump to conclusions and assume the worst
It is so easy to jump to the worst possible conclusion when you come across information, informed or discovered, that you were not expected to come across. My teens have always been very honest when approached with questionable information. They are more than willing to explain, discuss, or defend their actions, knowing there may be consequences. All they ask is that we keep a cool head and not assume the worst, but always ask before jumping to conclusions.
In short, our teenagers are growing up and deserve to be treated like the little adults they are becoming. Of course, they are still developing and growing, so they need us to continue guiding them, with a loving hand and a strong grip, ever so slowly releasing them so they may begin navigate this great big world on their own.
We have been out of the “teenage” stage for a couple of years now but will be falling right back into it in a couple of years. Such great tips!
It so different now than when I was a teenager, we never had cell phones or the internet like they do now. I can’t imagine how hard it can be some days!
These are such great tips and ones that I’m really working on. My son is almost a teen and already we’re starting to struggle. I’ll try to keep these tips in mind.
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This is a great article. I have a 14 year old and I need to remember to listen to him more. If only he would close the laptop sometimes too. 🙂
I have three teenage boys, a tween and a toddler and while I try to do my best I this is a great reminder.
Those are all so true. Four and five seem to contradict each other on the surface, yet they really don’t. Four is really a good safety net for five.
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So true. It is just so hard to talk about some of those things, but I know eventually, I will have to.
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Great list! Mine are in their early 20s and it’s been fun to watch them grow into adults.
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Great tips! I agree with your tips. I have an almost 15 year old and my problems (knock on wood) are minimal. If you start having a good relationship as toddlers and infants, teen years are a little easier to manage.
Teenagers definitely seem to be more open to serious discussions than small talk. Figuring this out changed dinner table conversations in a big way.
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I am nervous about the teenage years, I can handle the daily grind of needy little ones the emotional talks worry me. Great tips, thanks for sharing!
I’m not quite in the teenaged years yet, but I really appreciate this post. I read every baby book on the planet before my first child, but now I need to read up on the next stages.
I have 4 that are now adults. BY FAR the teen years are way harder than the younger years. Especially girls, I’d take 100 ‘terrible twos’ any day! 😉
We have a few years to go till we reach that point but these are fantastic points. I definitely agree that the lines of communication should always be open to facilitate being heard.
I’m not yet in the teen years but almost! My son just turned 11 and we still talk openly. I hope that never changes. Thanks for the post and the tips on things I should talk about with him 🙂
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I am not ready for the teenage years but I’ll be there before I know it. I am so thankful you put this together for me!
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I agree with all of this. But, the open conversations need to start early, as young as possible. My son is having a really hard time with his 16 year old daughter. She has lived with her mother, his ex-wife since she was three. She sneaks out of the house and stays out all night, hanging out with a much older guy who does drugs. I am so worried about her because none of the adults who should be guiding her are doing it.
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i love this! thank you for writing it!!
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This is such a good post. As a parent of teenagers, I can relate to so much of this.
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Such a great post- as the mom of a 14-year-old daughter all these tips REALLY RESONATE!
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This is bookmark worthy! I feel like the teenage years are right around the corner and my oldest is only 7. Haha!